For the love of Squiddles!

Because Curly Grabby Tentacle Dicks

4 notes


just a thought for those who like to think about alien dicks and shit; it’s widely accepted and pretty much canon that the trolls created the humans and vice versa. given this, what makes you think that they would try and think of a whole new set of genetles to give them? it’s showed that they pretty much based almost our entire anatomy after them (besides blood which was probably designed by karkat so everyone would have both high and low blood (blue and red) so we wouldn’t have to go through the same discrimination or w/e). at least, i don’t think they would all have the same organs despite sex, because there are in fact two separate sexes. you may argue, well karkat says to other guys that they have nooks, but karkat is an ass hole. he says it to be mean, just as we on earth can call men a pussy or say they have one, even though they obviously don’t.

and of course, the last and most popular argument of, well how do women create genetic material if they don’t have bulges? please for the love of all things holy look up ‘women squirting’ or something and tell me those women don’t create some god damned genetic material, mkay? just scale the from the human norm of “some women can do this if you’re really super good” to “all troll women can do this pretty much every time”.

of course all of this is up for debate cause idk hussy draws men and women with different hips but the only reason to have different hips is to allow for pregnancy and birth or not.

[beware the mighty wall of text]

Well, as a person who subscribes to the idea that whatever troll junk might look like, it sure ain’t human, I guess I’m happy to offer my take on the matter?

(I have nothing against people headcanoning trolls as having human junk, just to make that known. :L All troll junk is good troll junk and I think the more headcanons the merrier. Possible in canon, disproven by canon, created with complete disregard for canon, I don’t mind. It’s all good.)

First off, it’s clear the trolls didn’t actively choose the way humans look. Before the kids and the trolls establish any kind of visual contact, the trolls all assume that humans would look just like them (see: Kanaya’s mental image of Rose, see: the fact trolls seem baffled by a lot of things about human physiology). Canon doesn’t say much on the topic, but it seems like our universe in-story was created roughly in the image of Alternia, but with a lot of changes.

Troll junk works on Alternia, and human junk works on Earth. 

Troll sexual dimorphism is relatively unexplained in-comic, we know that female trolls have breasts/rumble spheres but they don’t serve the same purpose as human breasts and don’t ever create milk, for example. Word of Huss says he really only made a difference between the male and female trolls as a visual key. The purpose of there being different sexes (or the existence of separate genders at all) in trolls is all kind of surrounded by a haze of enigma. Troll anatomy: we just don’t know.

But what do we know about trolls? We know they don’t know what a human dick looks like. Horuss’ oblivious use of the 8=D “face” and other trolls’ lack of awareness of what it could possibly represent, for example. (I know I have other fuel for this but it’s been a while since I refreshed myself on the comic, haha. Was there any further evidence for this during Dave’s dick-graffiti session?) We know that their species can reproduce in any combination of sexes.

Personally, that leads me to assume their junk is designed to always be compatible. Rather than humans’ reproductive “tab A goes into slot B” setup, whatever trolls have works with any other troll. It would have to, in some way or another.

Sure, troll genitals sound like they have parts analogous to human genitals. Shame globes, for example, replace ‘balls’ in troll vocabulary. There’s definitely a troll equivalent to testicles. There’s the ambiguous ‘nook’ where honestly in context we have no way to tell whether that’s vagina-analogous junk or a butthole. But there’s also ‘waste chute’ for the butt so I always like to go with the former. Nooks are great. But basically, it seems like everyone gets the same stuff.

So I guess if I’m gonna summarise my logic - trolls don’t know what a dick is, troll reproduction wouldn’t be benefited by humanlike sexual dimorphism in the junk department, but whatever they do have bears some kind of similarity to what humans have got.

(As for the female trolls/bulges thing, I always headcanoned that genetic material is released primarily from the nook? It’s always made a lil more sense to me. Troll missionary = both kneel over a pail. Sorted.)

Sorry for how horrifically long this turned out to be. I have a lot of thoughts when it comes down to troll anatomy in general. (Why do trolls have nipples at all? I need to know.) I can’t vouch for the rest of the fandom’s headcanons, but this is my explanation of how mine works. :)

Filed under long long words squiddles gets over wordy and has too much to say about troll junk